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My New Year`s resolution is to spend more time wishing my enemies were dead.
How can you tell if a smurf has the blues?
I don`t always agree with everything I say. :)
Men are like dogs. We`re excited to see you, and we have no idea what you`re mad about.
This year for Lent I`m giving up hanging out with all the people who gave up drinking for Lent.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats
Flies are everywhere, unfortunately the second I grab the fly swatter, they turn into ninjas.
If listening to stupid people burned calories, I`d be a supermodel.
Sometimes bigger is just heavier
I changed siri to a male voice and now my car keeps taking me to strip clubs and auto parts stores
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE!? Neighbor: Get out of my house! Me: You`re not even guessing.
No one your age has any idea what they`re doing either. No matter what age you are.
I like how the nice people of Sesame Street all know that Oscar the Grouch lives in that can, and yet they still stuff their trash into it.
Braille dictionary for sale. Must see to appreciate.
So, All my exes live in Texas; Exactly, how does one go about scheduling a tornado ?