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I like the parts of the day when food happens.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until the creepy guy from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
I want to cover you in expensive things…like gasoline.
Farts are just the ghosts of the things we eat.
Rawwrrr means I love you in dinosaur. Everyone knows that, silly
I feel like the majority of Eminem`s songs are just him reading from his diary with angry background music.
Wine doesn`t have many vitamins. That`s why you have to drink a lot of it.
when i have children im going to make them watch 2012 and tell them i survived all of that.
You really can`t say your laundry is done unless you are completely naked
I don`t take steroids because I never want to look like I`m capable of helping my friends move.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
if it has tits or tires sooner or later it will give you problems.
My newsfeed looks like a cross between a Civil War Soldier and ZZ Top photo album.
I’m the type of person who looks at the menu for five minutes but ends up ordering the same exact thing every time.