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I`m thinking of changing my voicemail to the following: "If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me."
The 5 second rule for food dropped on the ground does not work if you have a 2 second dog.
At the end of the day, life should ask us, ‘Do you want to save the changes?’
The filling in this fortune cookies tastes like paper...
I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was "I bet a cupcake wouldn`t have done this to me."
My pants are 75% off.
I miss times when I was working at the zoo... my boss fired me just because I left the lion`s gate open.... I mean who would steal a lion
Our sex was so good, the neighbors smoked after we finished.
I guess today has been pretty good. I haven`t had to slap one single person yet....
I named my dog "5 Miles" so I can tell people, "I walk 5 Miles every day"
Every day is a constant battle of trying to convince myself I don’t like cookies.
For some reason, I`m an extremely secretive person. Don`t ask me why!
Don`t blame me, I was born awesome ;)
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we`d still be talking about how we`re not finding that airplane.
I don`t know what your problem is, but I`ll bet it`s hard to pronounce.