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I end a sentence with "just sayin" because ending it with "dumbass" would be offensive.
How to find the perfect husband: Play monopoly with him. if he chooses the iron, he`s the one
They say money can`t buy you happiness, but I`ve got a receipt from the liquor store telling a whole different story.
Doctors and scientists agree on the benefits of an afternoon nap, yet still my boss thinks he knows better. Ridiculous.
Who needs a social life when you have Netflix and a fridge full of food?
Behind every great woman there is a man who loves doggystyle.
Sometimes, I`ll start a text with "lol" if it might be a sensitive subject. Like, "lol it`d be cool if you moved out."
Apparently "Fat Tuesday" doesn´t constitue telling fatties they´re fatties.
What if the weather talks about us?
I`m placing myself in "time-out" until I`m able to play nice with others! This may take a few hours as there are stupid people everywhere!
when a police officer yells turn around . Do not respond by singing . Every now and then i get a little bit lonely when you never come around
I tell people that the secret ingredient in my cookies is “love,” but it’s actually “floor”
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $4.95 a minute.
God: Is there anything else you need Adam? Adam: yes I want a Sandwich! God: Ok let`s create eve.
The awkward moment when you type HO instead of HI.