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I bet my road rage would be taken more seriously if I spoke German
If you really want to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone`s food pics and posting the calories.
If I pat you on the back, there`s a 99% chance that I`m only using you as a napkin
It only takes a second to show someone how you feel. The police call it “Indecent Exposure” but whatever.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they`re way too big for him.
"Paypal me your lunch money!" -Cyber Bullies
I`m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Balloons are so weird... "happy birthday, here`s a plastic sack of my breath"
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I`m like, that`s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I`m more fun than I actually am
Judging by the size of these chicken fingers, that chicken had to be somewhere between 7` to 10` tall.
Ladies...when I say bless you after a sneeze, just say Thank you, instead of wondering where in the bushes that just came from.
If your wife says "what would you do without me?" "Live happily ever after" is NOT the correct answer.
I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don`t want people to recognize me when I`m pooping.
Do you ever get the feeling that you`re being watched? Because if it`s bothering you, I`ll stop.