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If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
It`s like nobody ever considers the consequences of getting to know me.
I just drink until the sadness becomes hilarious.
i love you with all my butt. i would say heart but my butt is bigger :)
"Why haven`t you been answering my pigeons?" - 17th century sext
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
If you go for a jog and you don`t post it on Facebook, have you really jogged?
Although no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.
I can’t find the words to express how I have nothing to say
I`m not sure who`s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
When someone tries to tell me they can`t do something, I`m like "you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?"
It`s not karma, you`re just an idiot.
A dating site based on Netflix viewing compatibility.
You know you are in the hood when your portable GPS says “Drive faster and put me under the seat.”