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I may have just inadvertently accomplished something.
I`m as nutty as a squirell fart
The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have.
At a wedding reception someone yelled: “All the married men please stand next to the person that made your life worth living” The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line.... *as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don`t think it`s weird when I have jam in my hair.
I don`t understand why people want a relationship when there`s pizza.
I’m pretty sure I could start a new life with only the crap in my car.
PRO TIP: If you walk around the mall hitting kids in the face with the shopping bags, your wife won`t make you carry them.
I have a PHD (Pretty Huge d*ck)
When it comes to f*cking around, I don`t f*ck around.
I repaired my blow up doll with superglue.....that was an awkward trip to the emergency room (<>..<>)
Your clothes are making me extremely uncomfortable. Please, take them off.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don`t even remember what he did anymore.
The early bird needs a punch in the throat.