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Nothing is more comical than seeing someone tiptoe with cheeks clenched hastily en route to a washroom to do #2.
Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your sister” was the wrong answer.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
I tried yoga once, but we called it Twister
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Summer needs to slow the hell down.
Life in the fast lane ? Heck, I live in oncoming traffic.
I bet when Cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one goes, “Man, you’re such a Cheetah!” and they laugh & eat a zebra or whatever.
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I`m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.
You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she cuts your brake lines.
When I die I want someone to play that little death jingle from Mario Bros at my funeral.
I`m smiling, that alone should scare you.
I always put a little umbrella in my drink so it doesn`t dilute in the shower.
My favorite in-laws are the ones that don`t exist.