Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up.
Thinking about starting a line of realistic welcome mats with things like "Please don`t stay long!" or "I hope you brought booze."
The most terrifying thing a woman can say to me is "notice anything different?"
This guy keeps asking me to help pet his neglected, one-eyed trouser snake. What a sweet guy! I think he`s a vet. Ladieeees! A doctor!!
I f*cking hate you. Hope that clears things up.
Coaster? You`re assuming I plan to put my drink down...
The only way I want to see your ultrasound picture is if you`re having a velociraptor.
No, I don`t have tourette syndrome..I was just telling you what I think of you.
Dear Gangsta: If you pulled up your pants a little you could run from the cops faster.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Instead of sending people to jail, we should just make them eat the stringy things off bananas..
Confession #156: I always prepare myself before stepping on the escalator
Why do ballerinas always stand in their toes? Why don`t they get taller dancers?
Sarcasm: because beating the sh!t out of people is illegal.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar* *Snickers*