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Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you! Me: I know. I was winning.
There`s a difference between having a unique name and a common name that`s spelled wrong.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is you are stupid and make bad decisions.
I`m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
I`m running out of people I can tolerate!
Just used the "f word" over on FB so I`m waiting for the villagers with their torches, axes, whatever those people use.
Today, A 12 year-old came up to me and said "May I please have a cigarette?". I can`t believe kids this age are already so polite.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself: "I`m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute."
Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! -Librarians arguing
Cats have been named the #1 pet held hostage by lonely women.
I’m sorry I slapped you. It’s just you seemed like you weren’t going to stop talking and I panicked.
I`m going to be the first person to land on the sun! I know what your thinking and thats why I will be going at night.
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming.
My neighbors complained that I never mow my lawn. So I started mowing. The cops showed up at 3 a.m.. These neighbors are never happy...
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in