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Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Just made a bunch of money by standing outside a party and charging $3 to enter ... I don`t even know who`s party it was!
When I was a kid…no wait, I still do that.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them.
A man walks into a bar & orders a beer. He drinks it, looks in his pocket & orders another. This happens 7 more times. Bartender asks, "What`s in your pocket?" Man says, "I have a photo of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I`ll go home."
They should make an app that tells me how many Oreos I can eat for every mile I jog.
I bet Snowmen think it`s weird that the ground is completely covered in their skin.
Please, lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won`t spoil me!
Okay, If we get caught here’s the story…
The party`s not over `till you smile for the mugshot
Lawns: You cut them, then water them so they grow just so you can cut them again. This does not make sense.
I wish I was as skinny as I was the first time I thought I was fat.
To Do List: 1: Buy a knife 2: Call it kindness 3: Kill people with Kindness
It`s the little things in life that count, like pills.
Running away doesn`t help your problems, unless you`re fat. Then yeah, run away.