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You feel naked without your phone, I feel naked without my clothes.
Best thing about being single… -no drama -no fighting -no crying -no feelings -no confusion -no worries -no PROBLEMS!
I do all of my ironing in the dryer.
Of course your opinion matters. Just not to me.
"The more the merrier!" usually means "oh, you overheard us making those plans, huh?"
I may love you...but everyone else thinks you suck! I was kidding... I think you suck too.
I just made a voodoo doll of myself. Can someone take it to the gym?
If I`m not back in ten minutes ... then just wait longer.
I will have you know I have FRIENDS! All 10 seasons.
Just noticed there`s no comma in "Bed Bath & Beyond" and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
I saw a Facebook ad for burial plots and I thought, that`s the last thing I need.
If I ever put stuff in storage I`m going to write "gold bars" and "priceless memorabilia" on the boxes just to mess with storage wars.
No Shirt No Shoes No Service. What about pants?
I`ve got big plans for the weekend. If things go well, come Monday morning I`m gonna need a chiropractor, a psychiatrist, a priest and bail money.
If you’re a douchebag, it’s so easy to find the right hat.