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That awkward moment when You accidentally hit the LIKE button During Facebook stalking.
It`s pretty stupid the way mornings have to come every morning.
When I get home the first thing I`m going to do is rip my wife`s panties off. Because they`re too small and the elastic is killing me.
The only people who care about my college degree are the college loan people.
When my kids grow up, I`m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I`m bored & then just leave!
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don`t know if they`re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Sex is like pizza, if you`re going to use bbq sauce you better know what the f*ck you`re doing
Women who say the quickest way to a man`s heart is through his stomach, have not seen his browser history.
If you ever feel like a failure, just know that somewhere in the world, someone just lost their straw inside a Capri Sun.
How come there are never any restrooms in my dreams
When someone says "Surprise me", I quickly drop my pants.
I swear I can hear Google sigh every time I start typing in their search bar.
OK. So I took the road less traveled. Now where the hell am I?
Sometimes, half your sh!t is worth it.
Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention Morons!