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Do you think they still give out chips in Gambler`s Anonymous?
Vodka is the answer...but I can`t remember the question.
Relatives - Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too.
I do not fail, I succeed at things that do not work.
Are security guards at Samsung stores called Guardians of the Galaxy?
If you listen real closely to my kids arguing tonight, you`ll hear the sound of me pouring a glass of wine.
If I was supposed to share them, they wouldn`t be called nachos.
I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there.
Pinatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you`ll get what you want.
Not to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
For the record, giving someone the creeps for Christmas is technically not a gift.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Just once, I`d like to clock out from work by sliding down a dinosaur.
Drinking Game: Tape a fake mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.
Don`t you wish common sense would make a big comeback.