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Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left behind by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
I`m a huge fan of screaming "You`re welcome" really loud when people don`t say thank you...
something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow
"The more the merrier!" usually means "oh, you overheard us making those plans, huh?"
I didn`t see anyone important today so I`m going to wear the same clothes tomorrow.
I wish computer companies would design a keyboard with a removable crumb tray, kinda like my toaster.
My hearing is fine. There`s no need to repeat yourself! I ignored you perfectly well the first time.
There`s a bald spot in my yard so I`m gonna let the grass grow around it really long and then do a comb over.
Crayons are a lot like M & M`s, all the colors taste the same.
you`re about as useless as a red light in grand theft auto
Nothing says "I`ve already given up on this day" quite like a Taco Bell breakfast.
"Be yourself" is about the worst advice you can give some people.
Trojan should be sponsoring Teen Mom. That show is the best advertisement for why you should always wear condoms.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a girl who`s free for the weekend.
Odd Fact: The names of characters in Inception are: Dom, Robert, Eames, Arthur, Mal and Saito. Note the first letters = DREAMS.