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“A body at rest tends to stay at rest” should be an acceptable excuse for missing work.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he`s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
H&R Block said I won`t get nearly as much back in taxes this year because apparently the neighbors want to claim their own children.
Here’s the thing about work: I really don’t feel like doing any.
A new heavy metal Christian Rock band will soon be releasing their debut album. They`re called Nuns `n` Moses.
It’s called “Karma” and it’s pronounced “Haha, f*ck you!”.
Facebook is like my fridge… I know there is nothing there but I check it every 10 minutes anyways.
I didn’t give you the finger...you earned it.
Today is opposite day. Wait...if today is opposite day and I say that it is opposite day that means today isn`t opposite day. If it isn`t opposite day then how cAn I say today is opposite dAy? I`m so confused -.-
I run a non-profit company. It`s not for a good cause or anything, I`m just not very good at business.
On demand sucks. Hoarders made me fill up the dumpster and clean the house. Now I want to collect coupons and go to the pawn shop....
Revenge is best served to someone`s toothbrush.
If da Vinci were alive today, the "Mona Lisa" would have been called "IMG-20121020-00463.jpg"
You can get away with farting at the zoo because you can always blame the animals...
Rapunzel is my favorite fairy tale about a woman who finds happiness when a man pulls her hair.