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If doing things was as easy as thinking about doing things I’d get a lot more done.
When I hear a person say "My Mom didn`t raise no dummy", I feel like saying "She lied to you"
At a four way stop, it`s obvious that the vehicle bearing the most duct tape goes first.
Dear Santa, I was framed!
If you love something set it on fire, if it... no wait, is that right? sh!t! Be right back...
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn`t walk to the donut shop.
If I have ten pieces of bacon and you take five pieces, what do you have? Thats right., A black eye and a broken hand!
Sometimes not being in control is the most awesome feeling in the world.
I`d be super embarrassed if people saw my google history but only because its all words I should really know how to spell by now
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account.
My life has a surprising lack of dance battles.
Nothing makes me more nervous than getting FB msg saying, “You’ve been tagged in a photo” after a crazy weekend.
I´m really bored but too lazy to do anything about it.
A bachelor party seems more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
My To-Do list for today is just a bunch of things I wanna eat.