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Why do they always have 5K runs for charity? Just once, couldn’t they have a sit for charity or nap for charity?
3 things I will never understand: 1. The meaning of life. 2. The universe. 3. How Spongebob & Patrick made those sounds effects in that box.
I don`t believe women belong in the kitchen... because men are better at that too
I`ve set my "life goals" to stuff I`ve already done so literally every day now I`m overachieving. It`s all about perspective.
I`ll tell you what a woman wants. She wants you to drag her to the bedroom, toss her down, and do the dishes and laundry while she takes a nap.
This dishwasher sucks. It`s already ruined three of my paper plates.
Just saw a guy with a Support Dyslexia bumper sticker on the front of his car.
A lie is a great story that someone ruined with the truth.
I’m simply on reserve for the one who deserves
3 words, 8 letters, easy to say, hard to prove... ..."I`m a zebra."
This is the only comment you should be leaving on porn sites: “Why are you doing this? Please come home. Your mother and I are heartbroken.”
The secret to a successful lemonade stand is vodka.
It`s not that I CAN`T be good, it`s that I`m SOOOOO much better at being BAD!!!
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V "Tuesday"
I mixed Taco Bell sauce into my Ramen Noodles, It tastes exactly like poverty.