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finally got my certification in the mail, I`m officially insane.
I thought 70 was the new 50, but the cop still gave me a ticket.
It should cost $10 to leave someone a voicemail.
Show me a bunch of people with type A personalities, and I`ll show you a control group.
I go on dates just to remind myself that being single is awesome.
Saw a hobo sleeping on a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. Must be his alarm system.
I hate when people see me at the store and are like "Hey, what are you doing?" I`m like "Oh you know, hunting elephants."
I put the hot in psychotic.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, Netflix
dude i wasent tht drunk you were huging a peice of chese saying ill never let u go sponge bob
I guess if you spoke your mind, you´d be speechless, huh?
Congratulations on becoming a homeowner! From now on, every noise you hear will cost you money.
I`m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest any of you in despair and disappointment?
My therapist keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects.....but he`s a lamp...what does he know....
I`m just amazed after all these years that we STILL haven`t seen Mario`s buttcrack.