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My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I’d go to hell for.
Not to cause a panic but i`m starting to think we`re running out of things to stuff inside pizza crust.
I wish common sense was more common.
I miss that feeling you`d get at the video store when you discovered the movie you wanted to rent was available.
I love it when the person’s laugh is funnier than the actual joke.
You know you`re getting old when speed limits start to seem reasonable to you.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they`re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
I`m out of bacon. This is my suicide note.
You know you`re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
When nobody`s home, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house.
Siblings – the only people who will pick on you and then kick the a$$es of anyone else who does it.
Happy Fourth of July!! Or as the rest of the world likes to call it, Friday.
My bed and I are in a good relationship, and my alarm clock is so0o jealous...
If you`re going to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 10am, don`t be open.
Just sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellant. Now, he’ll never have any friends.