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Have you noticed that tire stores never hang big banners that say "Blowout Sale"?
Im pretty sure that my shrink this week mumbled "this is pure gold" under his breath
Starting tomorrow, whatever life throws at me, I`m ducking so it hits someone else!
My smoke detectors are always cheering me on for being such a great cook.
I flunked anger management class.
I`m just going to put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
Don`t ``Wine and dine`` me ... ``Champagne`` me ... step it up a notch
I`m an animal in bed. More specifically a koala. I can sleep for 22 hours a day.
Why is it that flies can get in your car so easy, but can`t figure out how to escape with all the windows down.
my boss told me to start the presentation with a joke,so I showed my payslip.
Do these people in movies who wander off into the woods alone at night not watch movies?
Every time I see an abandoned shoe on the highway it reminds me of some of the drunken nights we use to have.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Advertising taught me that hair conditioner makes you move in slow motion.
If guns don’t kill people, but people kill people, then doesn’t that mean that toasters don’t toast toast, but instead toast toasts toast?