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I`m amazed at the mileage my car is getting. I`m still running off the same tank of gas I bought last year!
I swear that logging in to Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you`re not hungry.
Just because it`s a bad idea, doesn`t mean it`s not going to be a good time.
I can think of absolutely no acceptable situation where a grown man should be taking a bathroom mirror selfie.
Iām pretty busy today, so if you could just go ahead and offend yourself for me that would be great. Thanks!
My fortune cookie read "End of roll. Replace"
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I`m back. Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
I`m pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out a$$.
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer
My short-term memory is my ONLY problem..... Well, that, and my short-term memory
Do you realize that Scrooge was essentially water-boarded into changing his outlook on Christmas?
Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I`m getting tired of running and he`s catching up to me.
Hey micky you`re so fine, you`re so fine you blow my mind hey micky! hey micky! Admit it, you didnt read it, you sang it
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade"