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If you think this status is funny someone you hate will step on a lego.
Jerry: Tom, you are a genius!.. Tom: Yeah, I am called that a lot... Jerry: What? Genius?... Tom: No, `Tom`
If the voices in my head had a British accent I would listen to them more often.
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."
If kidnapping is a federal offense, then why is marriage legal?
That awkward moment when you’re yelling at someone and you mess up a word.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she`s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere
Hey ladies, you know that feeling you get when you roll over & realize you made a horrible mistake? I could give that to you every day.
I’m starting to think we as a society may be trying to do too much with the Dorito.
I`ll make better mistakes tomorrow.
I need a "previously on your life" recap for the things I didn`t pay attention to.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
My grandfather once waited in line for 36 hours to get a loaf of bread and I can`t wait two seconds for a Youtube video to load.
I stop at random Jehovah`s Witness houses and drop off copies of Rolling Stone.
Day Light savings this weekend is pissing me off, we will lose a hour we will never get back...........wait...thinkin`.....I guess we do....carry on...