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Wow!!! Thank you guy on Facebook I went to high school with and haven`t spoken to in 14 years, you really changed my mind about this upcoming election....
Not sure if my dog is barking for no reason or I’m about to be murdered.
Tequila... cuz the bed isn`t goin to spin itself!
What idiot called it "best man" instead of "lord of the rings"
Birthday sex is just like regular sex but you are dissapointed that more people didn`t come.
I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number? ...hmm
Walmart: the only place on Earth you can get a haircut, eye exam, ice cream sandwich, tires for your car, and witness a real life "what not to wear" episode.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it`s like...I don`t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Very excited to announce I`m on the market and actively looking for someone new to make me miserable
I`m not lazy. I`m just highly motivated to not do anything.
I like to keep bartenders on their toes by making up drinks on the spot. "Yeah, I`ll take a Dirty Hammock."
Not sure yet why this cookie dough has baking instructions on the package.
There`s a warning light on my dashboard of a vague exclamation point. It`s like when my girlfriend was mad at me and she wouldn`t say why.
While it was raining today, I thought for fun I would run out there and scream "I`m melting I`m melting!"
Actions speak louder than words, unless those words are spoken by a drunken woman.