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I like the parts of the day when food happens.
I`m all over that like a fat kid on a Smarty
What`s it called when it`s 9:20am and you can`t wait for dinner? Oh, it`s called fat. Nevermind.
It`s never too late to follow your dreams. Unless your dream is to be a child actor, in which case yes, it`s too late.
Something I never said as a kid: My book stopped working.
Tell a girl she pretty she`ll believe it for a minute. Tell a girl she has Miley Cyrus` butt she`ll believe it for a lifetime
My New Year’s resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall ... I plan on sticking to it.
I just want to be perfect... Nah just kidding, I love being weird
The number of lies told by men would decrease significantly if women stopped asking questions
I just bought a medical alert bracelet that says ... "Probably just sh!tfaced."
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
"Has anybody ever seen a chicken fly? No? Good, there`s nothing wrong with ya"
Honestly, I have no idea what I would even do with 5 hours of energy.
It`s 2013. With all the hormones in food and advances in medical technology, why are there still girls with less than C cup boobs?
"My place is a mess" - Every girl, ever.... "Well in that case, I`m not coming in" - No guy, ever.