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If you try and don´t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
Feeling tired as you struggle to get through the day? There`s a nap for that.
Making an effort in the last of 2014 to cut away distractions so I can spend more time with my iPhone.
"This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall." - Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
How to tell if a woman is mad at you: 1.She`s quiet 2.She`s yelling 3.She acts the same 4.She acts different 5.She murdered you
Please do not read this.
only fights if pillows are present.
The WWF advert asks, “When the ice goes, where do the polar bears go?” ... Well, swimming, I suppose.
Why are clothes so expensive? I shouldn`t have to pay so much to not be naked. Other people should pay me not to be naked.
It`s hard to feel sorry for people when they get what they deserve.
I always tell the person at the drive-thru that they are so much prettier than I pictured them when I was ordering.
"That looks interesting. I think I`ll eat it." - Sharks and Toddlers
Hi you`ve reached my voicemail,,, Please leave your name, number and a damn good reason why this conversation couldn`t be done over text
I lost 3 pounds over the weekend, but not to worry I found them lastnight at pizza hut
I don`t fear death... It happens to everyone. I just hope when I am dead and buried, I don`t vote Democrat.