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I don`t know how the law of averages works, but you`d think after 25yrs of marriage I`d be right at least once
The best moments in life are simple… you know like when you sit down and get comfy and the remote is magically next to you.
I can totally relate to cranky elderly people. I mean you can only be nice for so long!
I wish pillsbury would think of another way to open biscuits without giving you a heart attack ;)
If my father taught me one thing, it was probably how to take both hands off the wheel to sarcastically applaud people in traffic.
Flip flops are fun because every time you take a step it`s like a high-five for your feet.
No toilet paper.. goodbye socks
If you stand by the sea, it sounds like putting a shell to your ear.
I hate that part of the morning where I have to get out of bed and participate in real life.
There is no peer pressure like washing your hands because someone else walked into the bathroom.
I recently jumped on the back of my psychologist and started counting...1...2...3 and he was so suprised asking me what I was doing and I answered offendedly: "Well you`re the one who said I could always count on you !"
I bet when Cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one goes, “Man, you’re such a Cheetah!” and they laugh & eat a zebra or whatever.
Oops, just bought vodka instead of milk again
Kinda makes you wonder how many employees used to piss on their hands in the bathroom before management finally took action
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.