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Word on the street is... Lol. Jk. I don`t go outside.
Five years ago my boss asked me where I wanted to be in five years. I finally know the answer: Not Here
Does the Food Network deliver?
Guys, want to find out all of your flaws in under a minute? Just ask your girlfriend if she`s gained weight.
Well I was gonna donate blood today until the lady got all personal and started asking "who´s blood is this?" and "How did you get it?"
My wife complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
My wife just opened a jar of pickles by herself and I can`t help but think that my days around here are numbered...
Saw a Mime doing his gig. I reached into my purse and pretended to throw money in his hat.
I just don`t have enough middle fingers for today.
All I`m saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader you would of made me wash my hands first.
I was jogging earlier and...LMAO, I`m sorry...I can`t start a status with such ridiculousness.
Think about how much more stressful life’s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
Naked and Afraid also describes the last time I spent a night at a Holiday Inn
Halloween really is the perfect time to get rid of all those TacoBell hot sauce packets.
"You suck! No, you suck!!" - Two women in a threesome