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Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain.
My TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
By the power vested in me and by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
I`m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all.
I don`t really work, I just kinda stand around and be awesome.
Every time I see a preview for Hoarders, I grab the closest thing to me and immediately throw it away.
I have lost my mind and I am making no effort to look for it.
The difference between beer and your opinion is that I asked for a beer.
It’s getting harder and harder to find vodka-flavored vodka.
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
I am a Mother hear me roar.....especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
You think your wife is crazy now? Try divorcing her
When I was on the plane the stewardess asked, do you need some headphones? I said, Hell Yeah, but how did you know my name was Phones?
Those beards make the Red Sox look like they`re going to a Civil War reenactment as Confederates.
When in doubt, read Facebook Statuses, you`ll see you`re not the only crazy one around