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Which wine goes best with more wine?
One of the first things they tell you in AA is to stop hanging around alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.
My email notification is a cricket sound that drives the wife crazy looking for the cricket. Winning!
The ‘poke’ button on Facebook should be replaced with a ‘slap’ button.
There are a few people I`d like to go to bed with but I can`t think of a single person I`d like to wake up with.
I`m such a thrill seeker, when I see a ‘Caution, Wet Floor’ sign, I walk faster...
Save time. See it my way.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Coffee, you`re on the bench ... Alcohol suit up!!
I`m pretty sure God just pointed at me and laughed.
My New Year’s resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall ... I plan on sticking to it.
It`s frustrating to know, I`ll never experience the exhilaration of getting to meet me.
Suddenly my prison fantasy football league just got real.
It’s not drinking alone if the dogs are home, right?
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but the more important question is, how did they get in there in the first place?