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"My phone`s about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call
I decided to go on a road trip and not come back till I ran out of money... I made it to the end of the driveway.
No body on there deathbed said I wish I had spent more time at work
[takes out checkbook][clicks pen] Alright, how much to make these Bit Strips to go away forever.
I received an email from a hacker that had accessed my bank account. It simply read, "LOL".
if you were 2 times as smart as you are now ... you would still be stupid
If people in horror movies listened to me, they would still be alive.
I get so tired of the same old BS...can´t I get a little BS variety?
Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair.
Well, it`s easy to tell I`m single. It`s Saturday night and I`m at home updating my facebook status...
No one your age has any idea what they`re doing either. No matter what age you are.
Man cannot live on bread alone ... hence beer and stuff.
"If Donald Duck doesn`t have to wear pants than neither do I!"- Me getting drunk at Disney World.
My girlfriend isn`t much of a wrestler but you should see her box!!
Just heard a lady say "When in doubt, get a pizza"... I don`t know who this woman is but she`s my new life coach.