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Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious!
The worlds gonna end in 5 days & I don`t know what I`m gonna wear.
happy 3rd birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
I`d like to give a big shout-out to all my hard of hearing friends!
I cleaned my room and still smells like smoke, stale beer and sweat. This is the last time I use "Mr. Sheen" cleaner.
Since you no longer have a calendar I`d like to notify all the Mayans that it has been one year since the end of the world.
I`m undecided about which pants to wear today...Smarty of Fancy?
The best nights are those when it never crosses your mind to update your Facebook status.
This girl is ignoring me like a check engine light.
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34D.
It bothers me when I see tax money wasted on signs telling deer where to cross the road.
If ghosts existed, why are they all apparently from the last 100 years or so? Wouldn’t there be evidence of a Neanderthal ghost here and there?
I just bought a house, car and a boat with no payments until 2013. Those f`ing Mayans better be right…
If you get pulled over, ignore the cop and tell him that your mommy told you not to talk to strangers.
My goal weight is,"someone give that girl a cheeseburger."