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Pro tip: The kids run around a little longer if you forget to hide the eggs
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
I don`t know if getting everything I want would make me happy, but the opposite is not working at all.
If cockroaches can survive atomic bombs and chemical warfare, what the f*ck is in a can of Raid?
If you ain`t laughin, you ain`t livin!
Dear future boyfriend/girlfriend, where the hell are you?
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn`t be allowed to talk
This year rather than candy for your valentine why not liquor instead.
Understanding women number 476,395: Women like to talk about their feelings.
I`m sorry, we can`t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
I wonder who was the first person to see an egg come out of a chicken`s booty and think..."I`m gonna eat that!"
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
I’ve found the best way to learn your co-workers’ names is by eating their food in the office fridge
I hope common sense is the next cool trend.
The person next to me just farted.. Does this mean my lungs are full of his poo particles -.-