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Hurricane preparedness tip: 1. Buy several kegs of beer 2. Drink beer 3. Wait for flooding 4. Drop kegs in water 5. Float to safety....
I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
I did 10 minutes of cardio this morning. I was still drunk from last night, and I was trying to tie my shoes but whatever.
My wife said I can definitely have a man cave, if that`s what I want to start calling the hall closet.
Party like you will never be invited to another!
Eventually we’re just gonna have to accept “ducking” is a swear word.
Weird how “news” and “fact checking” are treated like two separate concepts these days.
so far so good.... no unexpected father`s day cards or presents!
I quit my job and handed in my badge and gun to my boss, he said, why do you have a gun? You work at McDonald’s.
Learned today that it`s about 12 min after realizing there`s no TP in the stall that you ask yourself how important your socks really are.
Do whatever you want, and if it`s something you`re going to regret in the morning, sleep late.
You may think it`s bad grammar but I assure you it`s just laziness.
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I`d never be bored again.
I`m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.