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My doctor told me to stop drinking...Then he told me to stop laughing.
My favorite moment is the 5 minutes every day when coffee overlaps with wine.
A wise man, will often say nothing
“Have you tried just drinking ALOT of vodka?”- me as a therapist
Your secrets are safe with me, because I probably wasn’t listening to begin with.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Searching Netflix is almost more of an activity than watching a movie on Netflix.
How are poor people so good at finding money for tattoos?
I had the greatest bowel movement at 2am......unfortunately I woke up at 8am (<>..<>)
Every job in the world should require their employees to enter and leave work in a Soul Train line.
Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I`m getting tired of running and he`s catching up to me.
My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.
Experience with women has taught me that Jack was most likely pushed down the hill.
My biggest fear is that there is no PMS and this is my personality.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I`d be back to my birth weight.