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I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "The Illuminaughty"
Say what you want about Kim and Kanye naming their daughter North West. That kid is headed straight to the top. And slightly to the left.
Cranked the treadmill up to MAX for 15 minutes. When I finally took a break my roller skates were hot to the touch.
I find it ironic that it takes 12 steps to get a beer out of my fridge.
You should probably take everything I say with a grain of salt. And lime. And shot of tequila.
When my dog sniffs another dog`s poop I can only assume that it`s their equivalent to checking a friend`s facebook page.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore.
Everything is a boomerang if you throw it upwards.
If your buttcrack is showing out of your pants. I will drop change in it and make a wish.
Best thing to do when you`re stuck in a group text is to to throw your phone in the street and start a new life and maybe get some chipotle
You’re one of those women that my mom warned me about…Here’s my number.
Before telling me to listen to my heart you may want to check that it isn`t telling me to kick you in the shin!
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says "Please give me a hand" is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Tonight I`m playing hard to get off the sofa.
Happy birthday you motor boatin SOB! Have a great day