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I love tan lines... it`s like God came down and high-lighted all the good parts... ;-)
I can`t wait to get one of those self-driving cars to watch my wife argue with it.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.
I`m beginning to think the only reason I buy bananas is to watch them die a painful death on my counter.
Marriage, because sometimes ruining a person`s life takes serious commitment.
I`m just going to put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
If there was an award for most pessimistic, I probably wouldn’t even be nominated.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
I don`t post a lot of personal statuses - but when I do it`s all about you ..
It`s not that I CAN`T be good, it`s that I`m SOOOOO much better at being BAD!!!
Good for you, people that do things.
Why don`t family members send me money for my birthday anymore? I need it now more than when I was 7
I’m not positive that having the TV volume on an odd number will destroy the world, but lets not risk it.
Let’s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.