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New Rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I am guaranteed at least one attempt at trying to trip you.
Just once when they interview a serial killer’s neighbor I’d like to hear them say “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, he was a real Weirdo”
The best thing about telepathy is…I know, right?
It’s called karma, and it’s pronounced “haha! Screw you!”
I`ve heard of women that aren`t crazy ... but I`ve also heard of unicorns, so whatever...
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol? Me: Why? What`ve you got?
I can buy my own sugar. What I need is an insurance daddy.
Please accept this bundle of fragrant plants grown expressly to be killed while in their prime as a token of my love for you.
Ladies, if you are really good at blow jobs, you don’t have to pretend to like football.
I just want you all to know, whatever problems you might be having, I`m here to `like` them.
I bet if you were in a city getting attacked by huge sci-fi monsters youd run and scream but in the back of your mind youd be like “awesome”
I totally understand how batteries feel because I`m never included in things either
I went to the doctor for a check up and he says I`m going to live. But I think he`s wrong and it`s just a matter of time.
I call it a Cupcake Salad. And I don`t see how it`s any of your business.
If I`m guilty of anything it`s loving you too much. Oh and indecent exposure...I suppose trespassing too.