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Why do they play this music on the elevators if we`re not suppose to slow dance.
Is it wrong to put leftover Halloween candy in their Easter baskets?
My fortune cookie read "End of roll. Replace"
If I was a Jedi there is a 100% chance that I would use the Force inappropriately.
"Friendzoned" should be a relationship status on Facebook.
I used to date this girl that worked at Hasbro, but I finally got sick of all her games.
I love everybody. Some I love to be around. Some I love to avoid. And some I’d love to punch them in the face.
Shout out to people wondering what the opposite of in is.
The ultimate home security system is having shitty stuff.
Don’t be too flattered. If I’ve come up a fun nickname for you, chances are it’s because I’ve forgotten your real name. Sorry, Cowboy.
For the record, giving someone the creeps for Christmas is technically not a gift.
I hope everyone takes my advice and never takes my advice.
Just think how cold and snowy it would be WITHOUT global warming!
If there`s a bar where everybody knows your name, you`re probably an alcoholic.
I only drink coffee because cocaine is too expensive.