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I`m still mad that video killed the radio star.
You`re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU`RE RICH
Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.
Pain makes you stronger. Tears make you braver. A broken heart makes you wiser. And alcohol makes you not remember any of that sh!t.
The only time my wife will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER" is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
The sperm bank is overpriced to store my stuff so if you come over, don`t use the cloudy ice cubes from the tray labelled "Future Champions"
Q: What do you call apple-flavoured marijuana? A: iPot
I don`t mind being wrong, as long as nobody knows.
I really want to take photos of my friends with their face smushed against glass.. Then make that pic my phone contact for them.. Then when they call, it will look like they`re trapped inside my phone! Oh god my life is pitiful, kill me..
"We`d be rich if you just said one f*cking word" - me, drunk, talking to my dog
If money grew on trees, Congress would actually care about the environment.
Tonight I’m trying to get to that happy place right between don’t know my own name and head in the toilet.
When it comes to speaking Spanish I know the essentials. "Taco, nacho, burrito, cheeto, frito & no comprendo."
I`m feeling 22.. Pounds overweight.
Suddenly I can`t remember if it`s ok to use tampons as Nerf darts or if it`s the other way around.