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I`ve gotten to that age where nothing fits right anymore. Even my birthday suit looks like it needs ironing...
Seems like Pizza Hut should be able to afford a house by now.
Shout out to Pringles for never giving us a half can of air.
My cat probably thinks I`m cleaning my ice cream...
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator, where I couldn`t reach them. Then leave chemicals right under the sink.
I miss being the age when I thought I would have my sh!t together by the age I am now.
The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I`ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
The unplanned moments tend to be the best ones.
I like dating chicks with kids, because fruity snacks
Half of life is screwing up…the other half is dealing with it.
I think my smart phone is making fun of me behind my back.
Leaving the house on a Monday morning would be so much cooler if someone would yell "Aaaaand Action!" as I walk out the door.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
If everyone would just be naughty next year, Santa would bring us all coal ... energy crisis solved!