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As a kid, i was afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I am terrified of the electrical bill.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel. OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel. REALIST: A train. TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
The generation of today are so allergic to everything, future wars will be fought by throwing bags of peanuts and cat hair at each other.
You might be a REDNECK if you think S.T.O.P. means spin tires on pavement!! :)) lol
iPhone 6: For people who don`t mind holding an iPad up to their ear.
Of course bears sh!t in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Secretly replaced the bacon with beggin` strips. Let`s see if the customers notice.
I don`t hate you, it`s just, if you were on fire. I would roast marshmallows.
I would not mind living next to a serial killer. They never kill the neighbor. He`s the one that`s always on the news later saying "He was a quite guy, never really talked to anyone." Wait a minute ... I don`t talk to my neighbors!
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Nothing sadder than the look on my dogs face when I drop food from the table and they realize it`s lettuce.
Pizza doesn’t ask questions. Pizza understands.
I’m totally fine with favoritism as long as I’m the favorite.