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Still haven`t taken down the Christmas tree. Screw it. We now have a Super Bowl tree.
I swear that logging in to Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you`re not hungry.
I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough.
I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection.
People should have to pass an IQ test to use the internet.
News flash, ladies. Men are settling for you, too.
Trust me, when they make a pill that REALLY makes your d!ck grow, that commercial will be on during the Super Bowl, not 3am!
When someone shows you they don`t want to be a part of your life, let them go. I`m not saying you can`t make a voodoo doll of them, though.
My therapist just offered me my money back.
im so hungry, im farting fresh air
Turns out having boobs only gets you stuff if you don`t have a penis as well.
Line forms here for spankings
I google myself sometimes just to know what the hell I`m up to. ;)
Before Walmart you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded lady!
My wife accused me of spending too much time on Facebook. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?