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something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow
Dumped my multiple personality girlfriend yesterday. She took it well, not so well, and she was really upset...
When I was kid, I... No wait, I still do that.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they`re in the middle of a race.
Whenever I`m sad, you`re there. Whenever I`m having problems, you`re always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you`re always there. Lets face it. You`re bad luck.
’twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, everyone was screaming ... cuz I went into the wrong house.
It doesn`t matter if the shoe fits or not, I`m still shoving it up your a$$.
I have an amazing psychic ability to find objects just before people lose them. Unfortunately, the police call it theft.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sandwiches are tasty, rhyming is hard
I wonder what happens when a doctor’s wife eats an apple a day.
My parents weren`t exercising all of those nights.
Tattoos are an expensive and painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification.
I used to question how much information was too much information. Joined Facebook, It`s much clearer now
You care so much about me? Keep that sh*t to yourself i got my demons under control
This book on marriage says treat your wife like you treated her on the first date, so after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents` house