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Life would be a lot easier if employers accepted excuses like “I’m sorry I can’t come into work today, I’m sleepy”
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Knife > gun because if I pull a knife, you don`t know what I`m gonna do. Stab you? Open a letter? Or am I gonna frost a cake? It`s a mystery
I pretend to like people everyday. It`s called being an adult. That`s why we`re allowed to buy booze.
Just hung a picture. I nailed it.
Apparently a new study shows that unattractive men make better mates. Nice try, ugly scientists.
After a while you just get used to people not understanding.
When I was six, my dad threw me into the pool thinking I would instantly learn to swim. I probably would if it had water in it.
Meant to tell my kid "Good night, I love you," but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school tomorrow because this is bullsh!t"
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting...
I think you know you’ve got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn bonanza in your address bar.
Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends
Since 4th of July falls on a Wednesday do we drink the weekend before? the weekend after? That Wednesday? The entire week? The entire month? The entire year?
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn’t doing his part of the chores around here.
Imagine my disappointment when I discovered a "Booby Prize" really wasn`t boobies at all...:(