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The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you dont have to mow it.
I like restaurants because the people have to be nice and feed you.
I would like to say to all my 500+ facebook friends, that i love each and every one of you..except you number 371..your a real a@@hole!!
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors and all of them got laid.
Instead of exes, they should be called whys.
My last post deserves WAY more likes than that....let`s go people....chop chop!
Hey Ladies..Prince charming is Gay and living with Mr. Right
Sometimes I feel like I get less attention than a white crayon.
I can`t decide what`s more embarrassing - the fact that I still live out of a suitcase, or that I`m a professional ventriloquist dummy.
I`ve officially reached the point in my life where the trash goes out on Friday nights way more often than I do.
My wife thinks Iām at work. My boss thinks Iām home sick. These ducks think Iām awesome because I have the bread.
I`ve found that the things I`m most interested in aren`t really in my best interest.
Instead of going to Starbucks, I make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
I won employee of the month!!!ā¦. again! I love being self employed.
I can`t take this long distance relationship anymore.. Fridge, you`re coming to my room.