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Just watched a woman in front of me walk face first into a telephone pole because she was too busy looking at her phone. I could’ve given her a heads up, but then I wouldn’t have been able to watch her walk face first into the telephone pole.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until the creepy guy from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Working from home means I save money on train tickets and pants, but spend more on vodka and pizza.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
My wallet is like an onion. When I open it.. it makes me cry.
I screamed a Brazilian times during that waxing.
You have a point. It`s just not very sharp
A drunk man walks into a bar...but enough about me...
You`d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their butt in the mirror they would be able to parallel park.
I`d be super embarrassed if people saw my google history but only because its all words I should really know how to spell by now
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Easy come, easy go describes my last 12 cases of beer and 17 relationships.
Please God cure my hangover and I promise I will never drink again, also please forgive me in advance for lying about never drinking again.
I just googled Magnum condoms and I swear I could hear Siri laughing.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn`t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn`t her grandmother.