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When I said make yourself at home, I meant go wash my dishes.
I get carried away sometimes… Usually because I refuse to leave.
You`re as useless as a referee in the WWE
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, eventually there will be a country song about how your truck left you too.
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, `You`re only interested in one thing,` and you can`t remember what it is.
The problem is not the problem, the problem is your attitude about the problem.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is "BURN HIM, HE`S A WITCH"
Most days the best thing about my job is that my chair spins
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
I don’t have a bad handwriting, I have my own font.
I put on real clothes today. What more do you want from me?
Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because it happened. -Me, to my empty pizza box
Have you ever realized that sleeping is just your eyes staring at your eyelids all night long?
The moment you empty your vacuum cleaner is the moment you become a vacuum cleaner.
Ice skating is just walking in cursive.