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Forecast for tonight: Dark.
If you`re stuck in a group text, one easy way to get out is to throw your phone in the ocean and start a new life.
I hate when I’m alone in the dark and my brain says, “Hey, you know what we haven’t thought about in a while? Ghosts..”
It’s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
My mother is the strongest woman I know. You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
I always stip to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porn starts off.
Don`t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex`s name tattooed.
I was about to do something awesome, again, but I told myself “Enough is enough, that’s plenty of awesome for one day”
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
That weirdo that comes into bars and tries to sell roses would make a lot more money if he sold tacos.
If I was rich, I´d do nothing all day from a much nicer recliner.
I’m not implying you’re stupid. I’m saying it outright. Here, I wrote it in crayon to help you understand.
Card on top of gift reads `I want you wearing this tonight` only to open the gift to find NOTHING
Most people who think I`m a nice person have no idea that I`d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
change your birthday on facebook to today, see how many people say happy birthday for APRIL FOOLS!!!! lol