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There’s nothing better than a nap after a good nights sleep.
It doesn`t matter how old you are, If you hear the ice cream truck jingle you jump out the window for that sh!t.
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out.
Marriage is for quitters
If people say you`re acting "really weird," take it as a compliment that you usually only act semi-weird and now you`re totally nailin` it.
A good example of mixed emotions would be finding a hundred dollar bill nailed to your tire.
u smile i smile u laugh i laugh u cry i`ll go get a bat and say who`s gonna get it
I’m supporting our troops today by going commando.
My worst ideas have all either started or ended with having no pants on.
Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends` food looked like.
Is it annoying when people answer their own questions? Yes it is. Do I wish they would stop? Absolutely.
Ever notice that no one ever has three cats? They either have one or two cats, then it jumps to 17.
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, "Yes, we`ve met before." So they feel awkward trying to remember me
The wifes exhausted as she`s had some hot steamy action lately, But at least the ironing basket is empty
The Eskimo´s allegedly have 52 words for snow. I have several words for snow also!