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Instead of cleaning my house I just watch an episode of hoarders and think " Wow my house looks great"
The black sheep always have the best stories.
Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say, “Close Enough.”
I like people. I just don`t want them talking to me. Or breathing near me. Or making me look up from my phone.
Oh you`re in the shower? Here`s the seven worst songs from your playlist. - shuffle mode
It only takes 2 ingredients to make a baby. Does that not blow your mind. Like at least there should be some flour or something.
Wow, I thought “flash mob” meant something completely different. Can someone come bail me out?
You only live once is the most reassuring thing I`ve ever heard.
To save time, lets just assume I am never wrong ;)
I can`t tell if I actually have free time, or if I`m just forgetting everything...
The well behaved rarely make history.
Somethings are best unsaid but my brain to mouth filter has never worked right.
If you find a four-leaf clover it means you have entirely too much time on your hands.
Nothing makes me more productive than the last minute.
There should be an "oh my god, shut up already" button.