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FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: "Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?"
"I like tube tops too, but even tires have pressure limits!
It`s amazing what you`ll wear in public when you`re not trying to have sex with anyone.
BREAKING NEWS: New $100 bills start circulating yesterday. I wish this affected my life in any way.
Have you ever been so hungry you accidentally called someone sandwich?
My doctor asked me if I drink to excess. I told him I would drink to anything.
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you`re signing a cast.
I hope your day is as nice as your butt.
to do list: buy a parrot. teach the parrot to say, "Help!! I`ve been turned into a parrot!"
Like a stoned man once said, I can`t remember.
The buses don`t go where you live do they.
My bank called because they noticed ‘highly suspicious activity’ on my charge account. It was for a gym membership.
Ladies, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest, eat a banana.
What makes fancy green beans fancy?
If Santa’s helper takes a picture in the mirror, is that an elfie?