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"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon"
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
I was in a taxi and the driver said "I love my job. I`m my own boss and nobody tells me what to do!" I said "That`s really great, now take a left here."
People with jobs: It`s Friday!!! People without jobs: It`s Friday?
I scratch my a$$ way to much to chew my fingernails...
If your girlfriend says she`s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall...You might be dating my wife.
Having a bad day? Imagine a T-Rex trying to masturbate. you`re welcome.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my feet while lying on the couch, so I guess today was leg day...
UFC is 10% fighting, and 90% advertising the next fight
What`s the difference between a Garbanzo Bean and a Chickpea? I never had a Garbanzo Bean on my face.
To all my friends who sent me best wishes for 2013, for 2014 could you please send money, alcohol or petrol vouchers…Cheers!
If we’re not supposed to eat late, then why is there a light in the fridge?
Is it ok to ask a very pregnant librarian if she`s overdue?