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I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I`m an adult. Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It`s because I`m poor.
You’d think “attractive neighbor leaves curtains open” would appear in more real estate listings.
My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It’s called Lunch.
Sometimes I wish I was full of pizza instead of emotions.
I hate it when you follow your dreams and wind up in a dumpster in the back ally of an IHOP.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Most people donate to the homeless. Me? I donate to the topless.
I dreamt I was you..I hated myself. Luckily I woke up..woah that was close.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
I dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig. It`s not a beautiful poem, but it`s very deep.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them...
LIKE if you talk to yourself and laugh because you’re just that hilarious.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with "studies show," the internet will believe you.
Life is to short ... to waste time matching socks.
If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that it doesn`t let you skip.