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Don`t be afraid to laugh at yourself you could be missing out on the joke of the century.
Actually, The quickest way to fix that annoying noise in your car is ... Just open the door and push her out.
There’s a limit of how close you should be to another man when taking a selfie.
There is no "we" in "bacon", so don`t even ask.
I look forward to paying off all my debt and finally getting back to just being broke.
Meal prepping is basically eating a week`s worth of leftovers from a meal that never happened.
When your girlfriend says do what ever you want. Do not do what ever you want!
to do list: buy a parrot. teach the parrot to say, "Help!! I`ve been turned into a parrot!"
I`m at the facebook saloon, drinking all night long
I’m glad we don’t have to hunt for our food any more. I don’t even know where sandwiches live...
It’s amazing how everyone cries for free speech until someone says something that they don’t like.
I knew I was going to jail when I yanked at the cop pants and they didn`t tear away ..
You know who your true friends are when they call you at 3AM just to tell you they love you and that their drunk...
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She`s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don`t negotiate with terrorists!!
If McDonald´s sold hot dogs, could u, with a straight face, order a McWeiner & tell them 2 super size it?