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My Doctor says I`m a serious alcoholic, but I think I`m more of a funny alcoholic.
If you were home alone in the middle of the night, and you heard a fart, would you laugh or be scared.
I hate it when people are holding a device capable of using google and they ask me stupid questions.
Studies show that 99% of Dans are not "the man."
The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock at 6am is the fact that it’s my cellphone.
This beer tastes like I’m going to text you later.
Sign outside a Drug Rehab Centre: "Keep off the Grass!"
Asking a guy, "Are you done with that?" & pointing to his girlfriend, is frowned upon. Apparently.
People who copy and paste jokes from other’s status messages are idiots…A few seconds ago • Like • Comment
I don’t care if we don’t talk, your existence still pisses me off.
You know what would make this Vodka & cranberry better? The Bahamas.
For the love of God, single people, stop looking for love or you`ll end up married.
I’ve thought about running away as an adult way more than I did as a child.
Santa gets all the credit and I get all the debt.
Getting another set of teeth would be much more useful at age 60 than age 6.