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I hate having to work for a living. But I hate starving even more.
I love that sound you make when you shut the hell up.
I`m not bothered if someone likes me or Not. Even Angels are hated by Demons.
They should make a medal for anyone who uses an entire tube of chapstick without losing it.
Sometimes I think, "Screw this, I will just be a stripper." Then I remember I am fat and I can`t dance.
How about putting that screaming kid on vibrate
Me:"I had a dream about you." Girlfriend:"Awwwwww." Me:"Yeah, you died."
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza
I like how Sesame Street just casually has a vampire hanging around.
I once had the desire to do something worthwhile with my life. Then I discovered naps.
Mondays feel like biting into a chocolate chip cookie only to find out it`s oatmeal raisin.
I made this margarita with my kids` slushie machine ... Don`t judge
Tequila is Spanish for Iām open to waking up anywhere.
I don`t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without it.
My box of Animal Crackers said, "WARNING: Do Not Eat if Seal is Broken." I open the box, and sure enough...