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I have an oven with a "stop time" button. It´s probably meant to be "stop timer" but I don´t touch it, just in case.
You know you are getting old when people keep telling you how young you look.
Reasons to get out of bed: None.
Dear whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office – I will track you down. You have my Word.
You could`ve told me that wasn`t your real name before I got the tattoo.
My favorite thing about naps is that I don`t have to talk to people during them
You know its a bad day when your fat pants are tight :(
They say you need about 2000 calories a day. Ok, time to do math. 65 calories in one fluid ounce of Jack Daniel`s means i need 30 shots tonight.
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happened to me, only with beer.
Now accepting friends that live on a lake and have a boat and/or jet skis
My roommate complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
I stop at random Jehovah`s Witness houses and drop off copies of Rolling Stone.
Don’t get me wrong, you are hot as hell, I am just too lazy to stalk right now.
Girls here`s an idea, instead of spending all that money on makeup. Just buy your guy a bottle of Jack Daniels.
I’m going to be very busy in the afterlife. the list of people I’m going to haunt grows everyday.