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I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.
Never, ever ask a woman if she`s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
happy 3rd birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
There’s no question about it, the second half of the tank of gas goes twice as fast as the first!
I like pressing F5. It`s so refreshing.
My doctor said I`m healthy enough for sexual activity ... I`m just not attractive enough.
My number one rule to live by is: Don’t die.
exactly how long is a cotton picking minute.
I seem to start my day backwards. I wake up tired and I go to bed wide awake.
My wife keeps leaving magazines lying around with the jewelry ads circled. I got the hint. For Valentine`s Day she’s getting a magazine rack
I don`t drink these days. I`m allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs.
I`m so great, I`m jealous of myself.
Wait,,,, What does it mean when my bride uses air quotes during the vows???
Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair.
The waitress asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I`m married to it.