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My resume is really just a list of all the things I never want to do again.
The problem with frozen yogurt is that it`s not ice cream.
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus and a recovery room where they have clear print.
Dating Tip: If you eat a magnet and slip another magnet into your date`s drink she`ll never be able to leave you
Research shows that, when someone shouts "Oh no he didn`t!" ... He in fact did.
Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
Why would I pay someone to scare me at a haunted house when I could just open a can of biscuits at home?
Working on my 32 point plan to be more spontaneous. Any suggestions?
Went to a nudest camp once and all I could think was.. these are the people you see dressed in Wal-Mart that you don`t want to see naked.
Pro Tip: If you knock on the door to a bathroom stall and someone says "one second," wait more than one second before entering.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. Unless your wife finds out.
Organized people are just to lazy to look for things.
I have a drinking problem. When I tilt my head back to take a drink, I can’t see my computer screen.
Relationships would be easier if people came with a "Clear History" button.
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!:D