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My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...so I came back drunk.
Grocery stores could save me a lot of time and effort by adding an “All the stuff you can microwave” aisle.
I don`t try to annoy people; its just a gift.
Todays Relationships: You can touch each other but not each others phones.
People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called "Spirit Guides."
If she can cook like her mother and drink like her father, she`s a keeper.
Yadot rorrim eht fo edis gnorw eht no pu ekow I. (I woke up on the wrong side of the mirror today.)
Because of tanning beds, 1000 years from now archaeologists will think we used to fry people as punishment.
NO, I didn`t say you WERE stupid. I said, you ARE stupid. There is nothing past tense about it.
justin bieber
I came home one day all proud as can be with my report card and said to my Mom ,Look I got a B in reading , She said that`s a D you moron !
I find the best way to get rid of headaches is to send them either to their rooms or outside to play.
is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep
Apparently I misunderstood it when I was told to "expose yourself to other cultures."
Bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn`t been used at the liquor store since Friday.