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I am so thankful for all the people that aren`t in my life.
You know your phone can take pictures of other people too right? Just checking.
The secret to dancing is to pretend you have a wedgie and you`re trying to get it unstuck without using your hands.
Lazy Rule 47: If you spill water, it will eventually dry.
The older I get, the more I enjoy being bored.
my boss told me to start the presentation with a joke,so I showed my payslip.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can`t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
I`d publish my autobiography but it`s just a bunch of liquor stained pages filled with doodles, and rants about stupid people.
Porn is a lot like yoga pants. Not everybody should be in them.
Save some time and just put your Taco Bell directly in the toilet.
Life gets expensive when you trust a woman that`s cute.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
I`m telling you, Godzilla must have feet made of steel. I step on a Lego and can`t walk for a month.
Never be mean to nerds. You never know, one day you might be working for them!
I said my wife`s name three times in front of the bathroom mirror and now my wallet`s empty...