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Sometimes, you can just tell it`s gonna be a "does not play well with others" kind of day.
About to try ordering subway without saying um... Wish me luck!
Sometimes I order Domino`s but give them Pizza Hut`s address. And when they show up and start fighting, I just wait with my mouth open.
If you don`t think of 50 different ways to murder your boss every morning on your drive to work you`re probably the boss
I go to a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Today`s Horoscope: You`re gullible.
Before asking a hot chick out, I wish I could first talk to the dude who`s sick of her bullsh!t.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means I`m not the only one asking google stupid questions.
What makes fancy green beans fancy?
Does running away from your problems count as exercising? If it is, then I`m one hell of a fitness freak
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick.....Till you`re standing outside watching your house burn.
What if dogs bring the ball back because they think you enjoy throwing it?
If it`s true that spiders are more scared of me than I am of them, why have I never seen a spider crawl away screaming like a little girl?
The problem with reality is that there’s no background music, so you never really know whether something mysterious, evil or adventurous is about to happen.