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I’d tell you what I’m doing but I’ve learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.
Thank God! the women with 3 boobs was a hoax... I just couldn`t wrap my hands around it....
Reality is for those who can`t handle alcohol
If you want to ruin a song forever use it for your alarm.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a super-villain.
looong and hard, yep thats my pencil.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they`d lose the alarm and just announce that there`s free food by the stairs.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Crazy people are never aware of their own insanity. I’m so glad I’m not a crazy person.
F*ck It - My final thought before making decisions.
The Australian kiss is just like the French kiss but down under.
Long busy day, I need one of those hugs that turns into sex.
Twinkle twinkle little star, I want to hit you with my car.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me. Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.