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The larger the implants, the more likely she’ll be confused by a push/pull door.
My girlfriend wanted me to show her a good time, so I showed her pictures of me before we met.
Never trust a person with only one Facebook photo of themselves.
I keep having this recurring nightmare that lasts 8 hours a day, Monday through Friday.
Head & Shoulders needs to come out with a body spray that will help repel flakey people from my life.
Matt Damon is set to play an all-action version of Jesus in his new Easter based Biblical film, "Bourne Again Christian".
If you haven`t used your fingers to "expand" a picture in a Magazine today, well then you`re not me.
Remember when AT&T told you to "reach out and touch someone" and you ended up with that restraining order? ... Good times!
When plastic bags become currency, I will be king.
Kid, I can take you out the same way I brought you into this world, by making it look like an accident.
So, which one of you is going to be the subject of your local news` annual turkey fryer accident story?
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders.
If I ever post something on Social media sites that`s not funny or clever, That just means someone hacked my account, Just Saying!
I see dead people. Well technically they`re stupid people, but give me a few minutes
Just got rid of 150lbs of ugly fat ... Got divorced.