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I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible. But pissing off everyone is fun and easy.
Im a leader not a follower... unless its a dark place then f*ck that your going first!
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Dear Santa, I was framed!
I stepped on the scale today. Not to get my weight. I just couldn`t reach the cookies in the cupboard.
I wouldn`t want lesbian parents. Not because I`m homophobic. I just don`t want to get stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother."
*breaking news music plays* Last thought of the night: Why is now everyone talkin` bout "twerkin`"? Man, that shyt been `round since the days of Hammer pants and spandex shorts!!!!
Very productive day today, turd-wise
First comes love, then comes marriage. Then comes not making any decisions and feeling guilty about asking for blowjobs.
The guy who named the "chimichanga" should be given more authority to name things.
I don`t have a drinking problem ... I`m just really thirsty.
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Iām not a sore loser ... thanks to Vicodin.
Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and hold on, are those nuts?