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After visiting the gov`t healthcare site, I don`t know why I was so worried about their ability to spy on me...
I slammed the car door on my fingers this afternoon. In related news, there`s an 83% chance that my nephew just added "Mother*ucker" to his vocabulary.
Alcohol goes in ... Happiness comes out.
If at first you don´t succeed ..... buy her another drink
Survival rule #1: Don`t go first.
If someone says “you’re funny” instead of laughing, you’re not.
Morning comes in 3 sizes: 1) Early. 2) Too early. 3) Way too early
Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it`s an intervention.
Someone just called me normal, I`ve never been so insulted in all my life!
Sometimes i wish i was an octopus, so i can slap eight people @ once!
Beware of the deodorants with instructions that ask you to "remove the top and push up bottom"... they could at least make them round.
There are two key elements to success. 1) Never tell anyone everything you know.
Whenever I see a woman breastfeeding in public, my first reaction is to get in line.
I know what I`m getting for Christmas ... Fat. I`m getting fat.
Mosquito`s and parking inspectors must be from the same family...