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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
I hate hanging out with MC Hammer, he never let`s me touch anything.
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm down.
It takes two people to lie....one to lie.....the other to listen
Who me? Oh I`m just waiting for my husband to apologize for something I did wrong...marriage is fun
Why is it called a "personal trainer", instead of an "exercist"?
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
I was all depressed last night, so I called "Lifeline". Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck
Whoever said the camera adds 10 pounds should stop eating cameras.
Do good masochists go to heaven, or hell?
If I had a nickel for everytime I said, "If I had a nickel", I`d be rich.
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a mans attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
We can put laser-equipped robots on Mars, but wrinkled dollar bills still don’t work in vending machines?
When your boss says "You need help", he never means a hitman.
The only thing more amusing than someone leaving a voicemail is them asking if you actually listened to it.