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*Me washing my car* Person: Hey what’s up? Washing your car? Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.
Life would be so much more fun if there were random Dukes of Hazzard style car ramps along the drive to work.
One man`s girlfriend is another man`s password.
I hate people that take drugs, specially U.S. Customs and the D.E.A.
Warranty – A notice telling the buyer when the product that was just purchased will no longer function.
If weed is ever legalized, I can`t wait to see the commercials...
I assume people with dark tinted windows pick their nose more aggressively than the rest of us.
I get nervous after taking time off work, that in my absence my boss will realize how little I actually do at the office.
After four centuries, the semicolon has finally achieved it`s true calling: helping people wink online.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How sh!tty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Trying to get in shape for all those people I`m not having sex with.
I`m switching to Metric. I would weigh a lot less on the Metric scale.
Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the sane one.
My body needs a refresh button.