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Dear automatic flushing toilet. I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn`t quite finished...
The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching ‘Night at the Roxbury.’ “Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?”
Some things get in the way of my happiness, so I ignore them.
One should love animals.. They are so tasty.
A cool thing about being in a relationship is that when you make a mistake you get to hear about it over and over.
A lot of people are only alive because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder.
If the shampoo and conditioner in her shower are not the same brand GET THE F*CK OUT, SHE`S A MAN!
Much like a dog, men will pretty much do anything you want if you feed them first.
I think eating is my kind of sport.
Look, all I`m saying is that the dinosaurs didn`t drink alcohol and look what happened to them.
Police ordered me to get out of my car `You`re staggering` said the officer .`you`re not to bad looking yourself` I replied
Drunk me would really appreciate a light switch on the floor.
You don`t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things, like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
Hit the popcorn button on my microwave but none has appeared yet.