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Don`t talk to me about disappointment. I had lots of adults tell me they were gonna "fix my little red wagon" yet here it sits with a broken wheel still
There`s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
No one in my family has ever actually used the Olive Garden gift card. We just keep passing it down from generation to generation.
Sometimes Google should just come back with an answer that says, `Trust me, you don`t want to know.`
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I`m always like, "I love you," and they`re like, "Thank you for choosing Pizza Hut."
In order to get my teenagers attention I shut off the WiFi router and wait for them in the room it`s in.
I got caught peeing in the swimming pool today... The lifeguard shouted so loud I almost fell in.
when I`m quiet, strangers look at me and think I`m shy. People who know me think: OMG! he`s thinking! EVERYBODY RUN!
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Kinda makes you wonder how many employees used to piss on their hands in the bathroom before management finally took action
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up and play dead and they usually leave you alone.
I don’t call it laying down anymore, I call it landscape mode.
Screw you, little sticker on fruit!
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental issues
I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer into the bottom shelf of the fridge.