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You ever wonder why it`s only women who need exorcisms?
Football Logic: Your team won: Celebrate with beers! Your team lost: Better drown my sorrows in some beer.
GF: "You`re cute when you`re drunk" Me: "You`re cute when I`m drunk too"
Nothing says God is forgiving like hell.
My mother might be right.. I was the reason someone invented birth control.
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting that you do.
It`s only October 3rd and I`ve already beaten the sh!t out of two motion activated skeletons at store entrances.
Nobody cares what you`re gonna do in 2015. Now post some nudes.
A normal person is just someone you don`t know well enough yet.
I would`ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited `til it was dark instead.
RIP to my hair dryer. It was the only thing to blow me for the last 10 years and never complain.
Wow, that Macy`s parade is crazy! The Kanye West float just cut off Snoopy and said Woodstock can fly better!
I feel sorry for people who take everything way too seriously.
I like to skip when I`m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.