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I used to like my neighbours, until they put a password on their Wi-Fi
I`m allergic to gluten free diets.
I miss flip phones because at the end of a conversation you could always dramatically close them like, bitch whatever.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
What do sleeping and sex have in common? I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
The only difference between doggy style and reverse cowgirl is who wants to watch the TV more.
I think today I`m going to cut off the sleeves of my snuggie and walk around the neighborhood pretending I`m in a Clint Eastwood western movie.
This silly farmers market doesn`t have any locally grown pizza.
Remember when waking up early on Saturday mornings involved cartoons and not untagging photos on Facebook?
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
It`s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing.
They say I have a drinking problem. I say they have a problem with nudity.
I’ve found that the things I’m most interested in aren’t really in my best interest.
I finished your laundry, the ashes are in the fireplace.
There should be reality show where 16 congressmen are forced to take jobs in the private sector.