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Everything happens for a reason. That`s why I drink to everything!
There’s no question about it, the second half of the tank of gas goes twice as fast as the first!
I have been snoring a lot lately and apparently my coworkers find it distracting
I couldn’t believe it yesterday, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn’t actually mine. She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school…
If a woman asks if you "notice anything new" tell her "I do, your beauty surprises me every day." Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Unless you tripped and smacked your face on the treadmill, no one wants to hear about your workout.
why were you in my dreams again? i`m starting to think you`re stalking me.
There would be a lot less people willing to run for public office if the losers were required to pick up all the lawn signs afterwards.
You can`t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me.
If it`s any consolation, your Doppelganger is probably having a really awesome day.
F*ck you, regular cars that look like police cars. Also vice versa.
I don`t care how loud I`m laughing, I`m having fun and you`re not.
You wanna know where I`m ticklish? Hawaii.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the whatever.
I can`t wait til the Presidential race ends so we can stop hating people for their politics and go back to hating people because they`re jerks