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Sex is great, but.....Have you ever had stuffed crust pizza?!?!
I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I`m sexy!" Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I don’t think we can get through adulthood without a good sense of humor and a strong middle finger.
Asking a girl what exactly she looks for in a guy is like asking her "what exactly do I have to do to get friendzoned?
Remember, you can always run from your problems. Unless your problem is a Cheetah.....then you`re screwed!
I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
You move into my house, delete all my porn, decorate every wall with rooster pictures, talk incessantly, leave hair everywhere and are too tired for sex?? Sounds great, let`s do it!!
Some days the only thought that stops me from being Dexter...is that I am WAY too pretty to go to prison
Two things you can always be certain about when it comes to women: 1) They`re always cold. 2) It’s somehow your fault.
I wish I could pick which brain cells the alcohol kills....There`s ALOT of crap I wish I could forget about.....
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep.
Home is where the pants aren’t.
My doctor told me to eat more bacon cheeseburgers. Well, what he technically said was to eat "less pizza", but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.