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The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Nothing says “I hate you” like giving someone’s child a drum set.
Always keep a note in your medicine cabinet that says, “I thought you were peeing?”
I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing.
I really hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean?
Oh well, this time isn`t going to procrastinate itself.
You know that 200-foot high expansion bridge you drove over today? Just remember that it was built by the lowest bidder.
Home is where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
I was at the pool today and tried to sneak a quick pee in the deep end. The lifeguard must have seen me. He blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in.
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If you`re going to be two faced, at least make one of them pretty
It`s a good thing the gas station is open today...... I still have time to do my Christmas shopping.
Snails would be terrifying if they moved quickly.
It’s not pretty being easy.
Hey, chicks who have words tattooed on your tits... We didn`t come here to read.