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Falling in love is lot like dying, you never get to do it enough to become good at it.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
If ignorance is bliss. You must be the happiest person on this planet.
When a movie says "Based on a true story." it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Life is different in Christian frats: “You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.” “Way to save it for marriage, bro.” *fist bump*
I started to compliment my neighbors on their new wallpaper but then I realized they can`t hear me through binoculars.
Everyday I run into someone who pushes me past the limits of my medication.
Ladies and Gentleman, I’ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There’s never enough beer.
Advice of the day: Don`t go trick or treating at the bank. They get freaked out. Especially when it`s not Halloween
You would think with all the ice water laying all over the world, it would be a lot cooler...
is running out of excuses for the stupid things I do. Please submit suggestions below.
Horse racing is like NASCAR only slower and with poop.
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It’s not like a murderer will come in thinking “I’m gonna ki..-ahhh. Damn, he’s under a blanket.”
I believe in living every day like it`s my last day, and on my last day, I plan to take it easy.