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So apparently the numbers on the toaster are minutes? I`ve thought for years it was degree of toasty-ness.
"You know, I wish I`d never gone to the pool that day." ~Marco Polo
Doing word problems as a kid has helped me in adulthood. "Dan doesn`t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?"
Apparently, I did not use enough a$$hole repellent today
I just made a voodoo doll of myself. Can someone take it to the gym?
My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except 1 song.
If one of your life goals is to fight with someone about how to load a dishwasher, may I suggest marriage.
For Display Only` signs on the toilets at Home Depot. Sorry guys my bad. ;)
Clearly, it is wrong to describe woman`s menopause as "the old Fallopian tubes finally rusting shut." My bad.
My GPS says "time of arrival" ... I see "time to beat."
How many people actually tell everyone that you said Hi.
Unless you fell off the stairmaster and a barbell fell on your face... no one wants to hear about your workout.
"Well, now I see how you came up with the word `Microsoft`." -Melinda Gates (on their wedding night)
The reason dogs look confused when you open the refrigerator door is because they`re thinking "Why don`t you just eat ALL the food?"
My son wants to be a shrink when he grows up... Clearly I`ve failed to teach him our family`s place in the psychiatric process...