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I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I`m an adult. Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It`s because I`m poor.
I sleep better when I`m naked why can`t my boss understand this?!
You women may be surprised to learn that making us sleep on the couch isn`t that bad. It`s kinda manly, makes us feel like we are camping......with a really angry bear nearby.
You, my friend, deserve a high-five... that’s four more fingers than I normally give.
I`ll show up at the gym when they put in a drive-thru.
There is no harm in imitating a porn movie. But stopping in between because you are imitating the buffering part (!), is unacceptable.
Someone once said, “Find a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.” So, I’m pleased to announce the grand opening of my titty squeezing business!!
To skip any youtube ad just change ‘youtube’ to ‘youtubeskip’ in the url of any video. You’re welcome.
I bet someone could get really rich opening a business that untangles Christmas lights!
Facebook`s list of "suggested friends" is quite literally a list of people I`ve been avoiding my entire life.
Dear Fork, I understand that we haven`t spoken since I ran away with dish, but I thought you should know that you have a son. His name is Spork. He has your hair. Sincerely, Spoon
Damn, it`s like these people have never seen anyone bring a flask to the gym before.
Lower your expectations and I will totally amaze you.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don`t have a moon where I live.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.