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My coworkers should be less concerned about my job performance and just be happy I remember to wear pants each day.
As a kid, i was afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I am terrified of the electrical bill.
All I ask is to one day live in a house with secret passages.
Divorce is expensive because its worth it.
Sometimes I feel as though my life should be documented for future generations.
I think there are great benefits in remaining strangers.
I always keep a spare pair of shoes at work that I change into so people don`t know it`s me when I`m taking a dump.
Kids are like debit cards. I get yelled at when I accidentally leave them at the store.
I ran into my ex the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
I used to date a magazine editor. But, I broke up with her because she just had too many issues. No YOU shut up!
Funny word combinations :Clearly misunderstood, Exact estimate, Small crowd, Act naturally, Found missing, Fully empty and above all ... Happily Married
You think seven years is bad for breaking a mirror? Try breaking a condom.
Not to brag, but my bathroom floor is so clean I can sleep on it. Apparently.
An egg salad is really just a chicken salad that is really underdone.
Cooking tip of the day: Rub your eyes BEFORE you dice the jalapenos...