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I don’t know if I have a stalker, but if I do, could you drop off some milk. Thanks.
The guy who decided how to spell bologna was clearly in over his head.
For Display Only` signs on the toilets at Home Depot. Sorry guys my bad. ;)
Relationship status: Runs alone at night in hopes of being abducted.
I`m curious: Do girls shake the gasoline nozzle when they`re taking it out of their cars too?
I saw a baby wearing a bib that said, “This dumbass put my cape on backwards”
Gift cards are still the best way to say "I`m too lazy to think of a good gift and I think you`ll buy drugs if I give you cash."
This year rather than candy for your valentine why not liquor instead.
Whenever someone says to me “Things could be worse” I punch them in the face and say “Like that?”
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she`s going to get me something.
You know it`s time to delete Facebook when your mom, dad, uncles, aunties, grandparents etc... is on it.
Being sick is your bodies way of saying “Hey, you really need to catch up on some TV”.
Hell hath no fury like a hungry me.
Let’s be the generation that stops putting things in our butts and having to go to the emergency room to get them taken out, shall we?
Its almost that time again! That`s right, its holiday season! Merry Black Friday sales, and happy spending!